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January 23, 2004

12:55 p.m.: Twins and Tragedy

I saw a show on TV the other night about the lives of a set of conjoined twins. These twins were conjoined at the head, so precariously so that one had to ride around in what looked like a specialized rolly chair. What I found so fascinating, and ultimately so depressing, about them was the normalcy of their lives. They have their own apartment, have jobs and one even has a boyfriend, a boyfriend that she is intimate with. They are both happy and have a great outlook on life. Wow, good for them�not so good for me.

My life right now is in a shambles. A conjoined twin is having regular sex and my life stinks. Let me recap the suckiness:

1. Matt called me the other night to break up with me. He didn�t think our relationship was going to work and he just wasn�t �excited� about it anymore. That�s all I have to say about this at the moment, although I will state that I now know what compels teenage girls to write heart wrenching if not mediocre poetry about their breakups. Seriously though, it feels as though there is a black smudge on my heart, a spot so corporal that it could be seen in an ultrasound.

2. I found out yesterday that I didn�t get into grad school. Classes begin this Monday and I still hadn�t heard anything from them. So I called yesterday and was informed that my application had been denied. Apparently my test score was still too low. I was so sad; I just crawled into bed and cried and cried. The worst part was that the one person who I wanted to call and cry to doesn�t want to hear from me anymore.

My well organized �life after college� plan has been demolished. I feel like I have no stability, no one to confide in. I am lucky to have my family though. They have been extremely supportive and I will be allowed to stay in their house until I am able to come up with a new plan but for some reason I have always taken this for granted, hence the feelings of instability even though I have a base of operations.

I absolutely hate change and so far in the last week everything has decided to do just that. I kept thinking in my head, well if something happens with Matt at least I will have school�and if something happens with school at least Matt will be there�

So, time for a Plan B. I still want to move south near the school, it is a great town and I would be near Gretchen who I desperately need at the moment. Therefore, I am looking for a job in the area. I figure I can work and at the same time study for the grad school test, take it a third time and then apply for school in the fall. If a girl connected at the forehead with her sister can have a healthy sex life then I suppose I can resurrect my life from the ashes.